Friday, February 4, 2011
A while back I reported on the assumption by the Super-powers That Be that I possessed Identity Morph. Phone calls for Dxxxx Cxxxx that I was intercepting revealed my failure to morph into whatever roles the last person who had my phone number possessed. Mysterious Agencies calling for Dxxxx Cxxxx were unprepared for my interceptions. I was unable to convince the agents of these cloaked enterprises that they had the wrong number.
The latest Agency has advanced a new strategy: Identity Transference by Fiat. This superpower may seem similar to Identity Morph, yet there are subtle, important differences. The Identity Morph power is one in which a super-powered person has the capacity transform their Identity in some manner. Note the presumption involved is that (1) a person is, in fact, super-powered, (2) has the capacity to effect his or her own identity transformation and (3) will make this transformation upon request by the proper Agency. When it comes to Identity Transference by Fiat, the Agency itself, utilizing its own superpowers, effects the Identity change. I discovered that this strategy was now in play when I listened to a message on my voicemail:
Hello, this is a message for Dxxxx Cxxxx. If you are not Dxxxx Cxxxx please hang up the phone. If you remain on the line this means that you are Dxxxx Cxxxx. There will be a three second delay and if you remain on the line after this delay you have affirmed that you are Dxxxx Cxxxx. [Three second delay occurs.] Since you have remained on the line you have affirmed you are Dxxxx Cxxxx. Dxxxx Cxxxx must call 1-866-XXX-XXX to speak with an agent.
At first I was baffled by this message, as my voicemail greeting indicates my name and that I am not at home. On further reflection I realized that, quite clearly, this made no difference to the Agency. Anyone picking up the phone, literally anyone staying on the line past the three second interval was to become at that instant Dxxxx Cxxxx. It so happened that my voicemail would have to be, in the Agency’s reckoning, an acceptable representative of anyone. Why, a small child picking up the phone, not understanding the content, and remaining on the line would become Dxxxx Cxxxx. Likewise, a deaf or hard of hearing person would become Dxxxx Cxxxx. Of course, any super-powered person could counter the Identity Transformation with their own Identity Morph powers or, not possessing this power, activate Force Field powers, or merely hang up the phone. Anyone lacking their own Identity Morph powers, Force Field powers would be left helpless and now transformed into Dxxxx Cxxxx. Such is the great injustice operating in our Superpowerist culture.
So, I am presently Dxxxx Cxxxx against my will with no way to change back to the superpowerless identity I have long embraced and cherished. There is the temptation to speculate that this move on the part of the Agency was a conspiracy to silence my efforts to expose Superpowerism and its injustices. If so, I am proud to report that my ability to resist and refuse remains as strong as ever—even strengthened by this new assault on my identity. Whether Dxxxx Cxxxx or 729, I am happier than the tyrant. And I have cancelled my phone number. Gone mobile, VoIP and free. Watch out.