Monday, July 20, 2009

Gangsta’ Moves for the Otherwise Cowardly: Vol. 1, Issue 1

The Turning Lane Cut-Off Five Exceptionally Easy Steps

1. Notice several cars stopped at traffic signal.

2. Notice that there is an unoccupied turning lane adjacent to the lane with waiting cars.

3. Increase speed, driving to the front of turning lane (speed ensures that no other cars with drivers intending to use the turning lane for a left turn will occupy the spot).

4. While waiting for the green light, edge out slightly in front of car waiting beside yours in order to assert dominance and, perhaps, give a bit of a warning to the driver beside you.

5. When light turns green, immediately gun engine and speed up, cutting ahead of all other drivers who were waiting for the light to change.

That will show them. You also may do this "for the lulz."


1. If you happen to catch any responses from the drivers that you’ve cut off, including but not limited to honking, flashing headlights, tailgating and invectives: you may proceed to do any of the following: a) Slow down to a crawl so as to punish them for insubordination, b) speed up so as to reassert your dominance, c) speed up so as to reassert your dominance, flipping them the bird or d) do absolutely nothing, as though you've done absolutely nothing, in order to mess with their heads.

2. Turn up car stereo to maximum volume, if volume is not already maxed-out.

3. Talk and/or text on cell phone throughout steps 1 through 5.

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